Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
