Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
