My hand turned me down
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you had me at cake vodka
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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