i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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