I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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