Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
