I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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