I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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