this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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