He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
