i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
