Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
