winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
