Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
