The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
