Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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