I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I looked at my own cervix.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
