i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
