Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
