I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
