i just sent this text using only my big toe
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
