Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
