Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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