Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
