i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
