omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
