the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
