Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize