My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
