i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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