The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
