GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Randomize
