I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
