Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
