why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
