She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
