I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
