Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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