no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sext me about skeletons
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
