$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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