You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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