I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
