I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
