Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
