I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Damn victory sex feels great
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
