I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
