i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just high enough for therapy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
