I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
