As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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