I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
