You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize