i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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