I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize