god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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