You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
